I thought that the love that matters to find in life was romantic love. I could not have been more wrong. Now it is too late for me. The internal darkness is too thick.

But maybe it is not too late for you. Friends are more important.

Caring for the ones who makes you laugh, make them laugh, hug them when they need it. Say that you care for them - how else will they know. I have lost all my friends, and none want to become my friend again. God knows I have tried, but people silently disappears from me. So I have lost it - I have been alone for so long I dont know how to be a good friend anymore, not even a nice person at work - I am too ego-like and stif and too silent and too low self confidence. Well you hear - I am lost. I try to invite people over but they dont want to come, or when they do they want something of money worth in return. Just for business.

I tried befriend colleagues just to find out, it is only business. Fooly me. And sometimes people approach me, and I get all nervous because I am like so happy, so it becomes all hysteric and odd - and then they disappear again and just vanish like people do around me.

I try to survive and be a good mum, do a decent job so I can keep it and make a living. I am trying to shape a life that i enjoy now - trying to break away from the romantic love that I thought would be my friend, but turned out it was not. But it is hard, and not sure I will make it. But I keep trying because someone said, if you are happier it will be easier. But it is like hen or the egg. All this has started to eat on my brain, it is flickering and have difficulties in finding what is in there. Like a looping labyrinth that never ends.

So if you are ever in doubt to choose romantic over friendship, think twice.